My White Friend Asked Me on Facebook to Explain White Privilege. I Decided to Be Honest

Yesterday I was tagged in a post by an old high school friend asking me and a few others a very public, direct question about white privilege and racism. I feel compelled not only to publish his query, but also my response to it, as it may be a helpful discourse for more than just a few folks on Facebook.

Here鈥檚 his post:

To all of my Black or mixed race FB friends, I must profess a blissful ignorance of this 鈥淲hite Privilege鈥� of which I鈥檓 apparently guilty of possessing. By not being able to fully put myself in the shoes of someone from a background/race/religion/gender/nationality/body type that differs from my own makes me part of the problem, according to what I鈥檓 now hearing. Despite my treating everyone with respect and humor my entire life (as far as I know), I鈥檓 somehow complicit in the misfortune of others. I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 colorblind, but whatever racism/sexism/other -ism my life experience has instilled in me stays within me, and is not manifested in the way I treat others (which is not the case with far too many, I know).

So that I may be enlightened, can you please share with me some examples of institutional racism that have made an indelible mark upon you? If I am to understand this, I need people I know personally to show me how I鈥檓 missing what鈥檚 going on. Personal examples only. I鈥檓 not trying to be insensitive, I only want to understand (but not from the media). I apologize if this comes off as crass or offends anyone.

Here鈥檚 my response:

Hi, Jason. First off, I hope you don鈥檛 mind that I鈥檝e quoted your post and made it part of mine. I think the heart of what you鈥檝e asked of your friends of color is extremely important and I think my response needs much more space than as a reply on your feed. I truly thank you for wanting to understand what you are having a hard time understanding. Coincidentally, over the last few days I have been thinking about sharing some of the incidents of prejudice/racism I鈥檝e experienced in my lifetime鈥攊n fact I just spoke with my sister Lesa about how to best do this yesterday鈥攂ecause I realized many of my friends鈥攅specially the white ones鈥攈ave no idea what I鈥檝e experienced/dealt with unless they were present (and aware) when it happened. There are two reasons for this: 1) because not only as a human being do I suppress the painful and uncomfortable in an effort to make it go away, I was also taught within my community (I was raised in the 鈥�70s and 鈥�80s鈥攊t鈥檚 shifted somewhat now) and by society at large NOT to make a fuss, speak out, or rock the boat. To just 鈥渄eal with it,鈥� lest more trouble follow (which, sadly, it often does); 2) fear of being questioned or dismissed with 鈥淎re you sure that鈥檚 what you heard?鈥� or 鈥淎re you sure that鈥檚 what they meant?鈥� and being angered and upset all over again by well-meaning-but-hurtful and essentially unsupportive responses.

White privilege in this situation is聽being able to move into a 鈥渘ice鈥� neighborhood and be accepted not harassed.

So, again, I鈥檓 glad you asked, because I really want to answer. But as I do, please know a few things first: 1) This is not even close to the whole list. I鈥檓 cherry-picking because none of us have all day; 2) I鈥檝e been really lucky. Most of what I share below is mild compared to what others in my family and community have endured; 3) I鈥檓 going to go in chronological order so you might begin to glimpse the tonnage and why what many white folks might feel is a 鈥渨here did all of this come from?鈥� moment in society has been festering individually and collectively for the LIFETIME of pretty much every black or brown person living in America today, regardless of wealth or opportunity; 4) Some of what I share covers sexism, too鈥攊ntersectionality is another term I鈥檓 sure you鈥檝e heard and want to put quotes around, but it鈥檚 a real thing too, just like white privilege. But you鈥檝e requested a focus on personal experiences with racism, so here it goes:

1.聽When I was 3, my family moved into an upper-middle-class, all-white neighborhood. We had a big backyard, so my parents built a pool. Not the only pool on the block, but the only one neighborhood boys started throwing rocks into. White boys. One day my mom ID鈥檇 one as the boy from across the street, went to his house, told his mother, and, fortunately, his mother believed mine. My mom not only got an apology, but also had that boy jump in our pool and retrieve every single rock. No more rocks after that. Then mom even invited him to come over to swim sometime if he asked permission. Everyone became friends. This one has a happy ending because my mom was and is badass about matters like these, but I hope you can see that the white privilege in this situation is being able to move into a 鈥渘ice鈥� neighborhood and be accepted not harassed, made to feel unwelcome, or prone to acts of vandalism and hostility.

2. When my older sister was 5, a white boy named Mark called her a 鈥渘igger鈥� after she beat him in a race at school. She didn鈥檛 know what it meant, but in her gut she knew it was bad. This was the first time I鈥檇 seen my father the kind of angry that has nowhere to go. I somehow understood it was because not only had some boy verbally assaulted his daughter and had gotten away with it, it had way too early introduced her (and me) to that term and the reality of what it meant鈥攖hat some white people would be cruel and careless with black people鈥檚 feelings just because of our skin color. Or our achievement. If it鈥檚 unclear in any way, the point here is if you鈥檝e never had a defining moment in your childhood or your life where you realize your skin color alone makes other people hate you, you have white privilege.

I remember some white male classmates were pissed that a black classmate had gotten into UCLA while they didn鈥檛.

3. Sophomore year of high school. I had Mr. Melrose for Algebra 2. Some time within the first few weeks of class, he points out that I鈥檓鈥渢he only spook鈥� in the class. This was meant to be funny. It wasn鈥檛. So, I doubt it will surprise you I was relieved when he took medical leave after suffering a heart attack and was replaced by a sub for the rest of the semester. The point here is,聽if you鈥檝e never been 鈥榯he only one鈥� of your race in a class, at a party, on a job, etc. and/or it鈥檚 been pointed out in a 鈥減layful鈥� fashion by the authority figure in said situation, you have white privilege.

4. When we started getting our college acceptances senior year, I remember some white male classmates were pissed that a black classmate had gotten into UCLA while they didn鈥檛. They said that affirmative action had given him 鈥渢heir spot鈥� and it wasn鈥檛 fair. An actual friend of theirs. Who鈥檇 worked his ass off. The point here is,聽if you鈥檝e never been on the receiving end of the assumption that when you鈥檝e achieved something it鈥檚 only because it was taken away from a white person who 鈥渄eserved it,鈥澛�you have white privilege.

5. When I got accepted to Harvard (as a fellow AP student, you were witness to what an academic beast I was in high school, yes?), three separate times I encountered white strangers as I prepped for my maiden trip to Cambridge that rankle to this day. The first was the white doctor giving me a physical at Kaiser:

Me: 鈥淚 need to send an immunization report to my college so I can matriculate.鈥�

Doctor: 鈥淲here are you going?鈥�

Me: 鈥淗arvard.鈥�

Doctor: 鈥淵ou mean the one in Massachusetts?鈥�

The second was in a store, looking for supplies I needed from Harvard鈥檚 suggested 鈥渨hat to bring with you鈥� list.

Store employee: 鈥淲here are you going?鈥�

Me: 鈥淗arvard.鈥�

Store employee: 鈥淵ou mean the one in Massachusetts?鈥�

The third was at UPS, shipping off boxes of said 鈥渨hat to bring鈥� to Harvard. I was in line behind a white boy mailing boxes to Princeton and in front of a white woman sending her child鈥檚 boxes to wherever.

Woman to the boy: 鈥淲hat college are you going to?鈥� Boy: 鈥淧rinceton.鈥�

Woman: 鈥淐ongratulations!鈥�

Woman to me: 鈥淲here are you sending your boxes?鈥� Me: 鈥淗arvard.鈥�

Woman: 鈥淵ou mean the one in Massachusetts?鈥�

I think: 鈥淣o, bitch, the one downtown next to the liquor store.鈥澛燘ut I say, gesturing to my LABELED boxes: 鈥淵es, the one in Massachusetts.鈥�

Then she says congratulations, but it鈥檚 too fucking late. The point here is,聽if no one has ever questioned your intellectual capabilities or attendance at an elite institution based solely on your skin color, you have white privilege.

6. In my freshman college tutorial, our small group of 4鈥�5 was assigned to read Thoreau, Emerson, Malcolm X, Joseph Conrad, Dreiser, etc. When it was the week to discuss The Autobiography of Malcolm X, one white boy boldly claimed he couldn鈥檛 even get through it because he couldn鈥檛 relate and didn鈥檛 think he should be forced to read it. I don鈥檛 remember the words I said, but I still remember the feeling鈥擨 think it鈥檚 what doctors refer to as chandelier pain鈥攁s soon as a sensitive area on a patient is touched, they shoot through the roof鈥攖hat鈥檚 what I felt. I know I said something like my whole life I鈥檝e had to read 鈥渢hings that don鈥檛 have anything to do with me or that I relate to鈥� but I find a way anyway because that鈥檚 what learning is about鈥攖rying to understand other people鈥檚 perspectives. The point here is鈥攖he canon of literature studied in the United States, as well as the majority of television and movies, have focused primarily on the works or achievements of white men. So, if you have never experienced or considered how damaging it is/was/could be to grow up without myriad role models and images in school that reflect you in your required reading material or in the mainstream media, you have white privilege.

7. All seniors at Harvard are invited to a fancy, seated group lunch with our respective dorm masters. (Yes, they were called 鈥渕asters鈥� up until this February, when they changed it to 鈥渇aculty deans,鈥� but that鈥檚 just a tasty little side dish to the main course of this remembrance). While we were being served by the Dunster House cafeteria staff鈥攖he black ladies from Haiti and Boston who ran the line daily (I still remember Jackie鈥檚 kindness and warmth to this day)鈥擬aster Sally mused out loud how proud they must be to be serving the nation鈥檚 best and brightest. I don鈥檛 know if they heard her, but I did, and it made me uncomfortable and sick. The point here is, if you鈥檝e never been blindsided when you are just trying to enjoy a meal by a well-paid faculty member鈥檚 patronizing and racist assumptions about how grateful black people must feel to be in their presence, you have white privilege.

He was getting stopped by cops constantly because he was a black man in a luxury car.

8. While I was writing on a television show in my 30s, my new white male boss鈥攚ho had only known me for a few days鈥攈ad unbeknownst to me told another writer on staff he thought I was conceited, didn鈥檛 know as much I thought I did, and didn鈥檛 have the talent I thought I had. And what exactly had happened in those few days? I disagreed with a pitch where he suggested our lead female character carelessly leave a potholder on the stove, burning down her apartment. This character being a professional caterer. When what he said about me was revealed months later (by then he鈥檇 come to respect and rely on me), he apologized for prejudging me because I was a black woman. I told him he was ignorant and clearly had a lot to learn. It was a good talk because he was remorseful and open. But the point here is, if you鈥檝e never been on the receiving end of a boss鈥檚 prejudiced, uninformed 鈥渉ow dare she question my ideas鈥� badmouthing based on solely on his ego and your race, you have white privilege.

9. On my very first date with my now husband, I climbed into his car and saw baby wipes on the passenger-side floor. He said he didn鈥檛 have kids, they were just there to clean up messes in the car. I twisted to secure my seatbelt and saw a stuffed animal in the rear window. I gave him a look. He said, 鈥淚 promise, I don鈥檛 have kids. That鈥檚 only there so I don鈥檛 get stopped by the police.鈥� He then told me that when he drove home from work late at night, he was getting stopped by cops constantly because he was a black man in a luxury car and they assumed that either it was stolen or he was a drug dealer. When he told a cop friend about this, Warren was told to put a stuffed animal in the rear window because it would change 鈥渉is profile鈥� to that of a family man and he was much less likely to be stopped. The point here is, if you鈥檝e never had to mask the fruits of your success with a floppy-eared, stuffed bunny rabbit so you won鈥檛 get harassed by the cops on the way home from your gainful employment (or never had a first date start this way), you have white privilege.

10. Six years ago, I started a Facebook page that has grown into a website called Good Black News because I was shocked to find there were no sites dedicated solely to publishing the positive things black people do. (And let me explain here how biased the coverage of mainstream media is in case you don鈥檛 already have a clue鈥攁s I curate, I can鈥檛 tell you how often I have to swap out a story鈥檚 photo to make it as positive as the content. Photos published of black folks in mainstream media are very often sullen- or angry-looking. Even when it鈥檚 a positive story! I also have to alter headlines constantly to 1) include a person鈥檚 name and not have it just be 鈥淏lack Man Wins Settlement鈥� or 鈥淐arnegie Hall Gets 1st Black Board Member,鈥� or 2) rephrase it from a subtle subjugator like 鈥淎BC taps Viola Davis as Series Lead鈥� to 鈥淰iola Davis Lands Lead on ABC Show鈥� as is done for, say, Jennifer Aniston or Steven Spielberg. I also receive a fair amount of highly offensive racist trolling. I don鈥檛 even respond. I block and delete ASAP. The point here is, if you鈥檝e never had聽to rewrite stories and headlines or swap photos while being trolled by racists when all you鈥檙e trying to do on a daily basis is promote positivity and share stories of hope and achievement and justice, you have white privilege.

Trust me, nobody is mad at you for being white. Nobody.

OK, Jason, there鈥檚 more, but I鈥檓 exhausted. And my kids need dinner. Remembering and reliving many of these moments has been a strain and a drain (and, again, this ain鈥檛 even the half or the worst of it). But I hope my experiences shed some light for you on how institutional and personal racism have affected the entire life of a friend of yours to whom you鈥檝e only been respectful and kind. I hope what I鈥檝e shared makes you realize it鈥檚 not just strangers, but people you know and care for who have suffered and are suffering because we are excluded from the privilege you have not to be judged, questioned, or assaulted in any way because of your race.

As to you 鈥渂eing part of the problem,鈥� trust me, nobody is mad at you for being white. Nobody. Just like nobody should be mad at me for being black. Or female. Or whatever. But what IS being asked of you is to acknowledge that white privilege DOES exist and not only to treat people of races that differ from yours 鈥渨ith respect and humor,鈥� but also to stand up for fair treatment and justice, not to let 鈥渏okes鈥� or 鈥渙ff-color鈥� comments by friends, co-workers, or family slide by without challenge, and to continually make an effort to put yourself in someone else鈥檚 shoes, so we may all cherish and respect our unique and special contributions to society as much as we do our common ground.

With much love and respect,

Lori

This article was originally published by . It has been edited for 精东影业 Magazine.聽

Read more of on White privilege and racial justice:

10 Examples That Prove White Privilege Exists in Every Aspect Imaginable

The Language of Antiracism

Leveraging White Privilege for Racial Justice